Reality

I had a little scare this week. I'm on the mini-pill. This means that I have to be dilligent with my pill taking and I usually am. I take it every day at noon. I have an alarm to remind me. But somehow last week (durring my period) I forgot two days. I couldn't for the life of me recall a day I didn't take them. But after New Years weekend with my honey, I noticed that I was two days behind. So, technically the timing is way off to get preggers(just days after my period) but just to be safe I went and got Plan B, which is wildly expensive! Anyhow, since I had to wait through sat and sun for the pharmacies to be open, I had plenty of time to think about what it would be like to be pregnant right now, and if I would indeed be okay with the accidental baby I secretly pray for.

I found something out about myself. I've always thought it was the logic of having a baby in my financial situation, relationship status etc. that prevented me from having children. But after this weekend I am seeing things from a different prespective. When I thought I might be at risk of getting pregnant all I could think of was how I would never have the chance to develop my relationship with my boyfriend. I'm not ready to share his attention with a child. We've been planning trips together, all these plans would be out the window if we had a child. I have started to see my friends differently too. My boyfriend and I are in the honeymoon stage of our relationship. I have come to really appreciate that as I see married with children friends who snipe at each other, have pitiful sex lives and are tired all the time. Am I ready for that? I want to soak up as much ecstatic couple time as possible before I take the plunge. And although my biological clock is ticking loudly, I'm going to have to ask my hormones to shut the hell up for a few years.

So I'm entering this year with a fresh perspective on life and baby making. At 31 there is no need to jump hastily into parenthood. I plan on enjoying the life that I have built for myself. I really feel that I'm entering a period of growth and success. I'm even graduating from college this year! My only resolution for the new year is to keep a gratitude journal so that I appreciate what I have and don't obsess over what I don't have yet. Everything happens they way it is supposed to. I beleive in divine timing. If I'm not meant to be a mother just yet, there must be a reason for it. And I don't have to know what that reason is beforehand.

It Doesn't Go Away

Well it's been a few months since last I posted. My new love and I are still together. It will be 5 months soon. We have vacation plans. Plans to move in together. There has been mention of marriage and kids. This was the dream, right? Then why am I still in the throws of baby fever?

It turns out that, even when you find the man you want to have kids with, waiting for that to happen is still agonizing. The logical part of me says, "chill out, it will happen when it happens, what's the rush? wait till things are stable relationship wise and financially" The infinately less logical part of me says "gee I sure hope my birth control pills fail me because I want a baby in my arms right now damnit!"

Having a boyfriend whom I fully intend to spend the rest of my life with has not taken away the pain of being everybodies auntie and nobodies mommy. In fact, making me feel even sadder about it is the fact that my boyfriend has two children already. So when we do have children it won't be his first time. But at my age that is expected.

My best friends and their children and a new couple and their baby often get together for a game night. The first time we got together it was all about me finally after several years single, being able to not feel like the odd man out anymore. It was so nice to be part of a couple in a social environment again. But the next night together I found myself making a couple bitter statements. Maybe it was hormones, or because I was sick that night. But it came to my full awareness that night that I was indeed the odd man out as the only person there that didn't have children.

Baby fever does not go away just because you are in a relationship. My impatience to have a child has not gone away. I'm afraid. Afraid if I wait to long it won't happen. Another of my friends started calling me Auntie around her children. That makes me Auntie to almost all of my friends kids now. My boyfriend says he wants more kids, but neither of us is in a place to be having children. And, just because things have progressed quickly and we've been friends for over ten years, doesn't mean we are ready to get married yet either. So when will we? I am not getting any younger. I'm tired of waiting. I know there are so many things I want to do before I have kids, especially with my new man. But baby fever is invasive.

Of course, this week I am in the middle of serious PMS. Sore breasts, emotional outbursts, fatigue. I think I may start tracking when baby fever hits me the hardest. I bet it's associated to the two weeks prior to my period.

Aside from baby fever and severe impatience I am quite happy. There have been a lot of changes this year. Some great, some not so great. But things are finally being shaken up and it's about damn time. I was getting really scared that things weren't ever going to change again.

It looks like whether I am with my man or without my man, 2014 is still my year. It scares me that I will be at the end of my fertile years at this point and this will make things difficult, but it also means that I am at a higher risk for multiples which I do want. hehe. So who knows, maybe this is God's master plan. Maybe I am supposed to be that older mother with triplets who all my friends fawn over and wish that they still had babies around cause their four year olds and older are driving them crazy! I always try and remind myself of this quote.

"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."

So This is Love?

Sometimes love hits you when you least expect it, from someone you least expect it from. We have been friends for a long time, his ex and my ex, all four of us friends. Then he broke up with his, I broke up with mine. And a couple years ago we saw each other for the first time in a while and we glowed. Seriously glowed at the sight of each other. A strange phenomenon. So we started dating, only to induce drama coming at us from all sides, his ex, my ex, our friends. So he freaked out and broke it off. Things between us back then had moved rather quickly in the few weeks we were together. After it was over I decided the lesson in the whole thing was that I needed to be less trusting, that I needed more time alone, that I needed to stop myself from falling in "love" at the drop of a hat. I was so done with him, my little intense fling. Then I got an email from him(it's been two years) telling me he regretted what he had done and still thought about me all the time. We started a dialogue and decided we both missed our friendship and were both sexually frustrated. So I went to see him and in the instant I saw him, his scent filled my nostrils, I knew I was going to have a hard time with this Friends with Benifits situation. But I really thought I wanted to remain emotionally removed. I spoke a good game, telling both my mother and my best friend that it was just for fun. But within three dates we were staring lovingly into each others eyes and talking about our future. There is just something about this guy, something i have never felt before. He has issues, we're really not at the same place in our lives, but when I am with him, talking to him, I feel something I've never felt before, beyond familliarity, he is home. I need to keep my head about this and I've been trying very hard to stay grounded. But words that I don't use lightly and have never used before are popping into my head...The One and Soulmate. I'm scared out of my mind and so is he. But something happens with us that speeds up time, it's uncontrollable, like wildfire. Is it possible that I've found what I've been looking for all my life, and it was right under my nose? Is it possible that the timing is right this time, that we are both mature enough to make this work? Is it possible that if it doesn't I will be able to trust my own intuition again? I'm so scared and happy at the same time. I wonder, is this what love feels like? Like falling? Because if this is love...I've never known love before.

Friends with Benefits?

So, I guess FWB's don't take romantic walks on the beach and spend hours staring at each other sighing with contentment. I'm pretty sure that breaks every FWB rule. I'm trying not to think forward...or backward with this(very hard for me). Just live in the moment. And for the moment...I am so, so, so, very happy.

Blood or Spirit?

I've been thinking about adoption lately. I had sort of ruled it out because of how you have to prove yourself, financially, psychologically etc. It just seems like a lot of hoops. But anyhow, after thinking about my younger adulthood and how I'd always said that "there are too many children in this world who need parents to bring another one into it". But I'd let that go for a while because I wanted my own children, kids who look like me, a biological bond. But spiritually I beleive that blood is not what links us, it's the agreements we make with each other to be part of each others lives through many lifetimes. Soulmate groups. I know I've met many of mine. These are the people we've learned about ourself from in some way or another. We have an unexplainable bond with them because we have known each other through many lives. So, who am I to say that I didn't make some agreement to be mother so a little chinese girl? Or even a little boy born in my own town who's mother can't take care of him? I suppose when the time comes I will know which path is the right one for me. I just know that I never ever would have made a spiritual contract to never be a mother.

Regression

I'm boinking my ex in a "friends with benifits" sort of situation. I have no desire to have his children. This seems awefully counterproductive to me. Then again, it may be presicely the solution I was looking for. Especially if we can continue it through me becoming a single mother(he is aware of my back-up plan). But as that is a couple years out I sort of doubt it. In the mean time, needs are met and I don't have to worry about awkward dates with hypothetical men I meet on dating sits.

EDIT: I probably should have clarified...this is not THE EX(curly headed babie dreams), it's a short fling ex that I am no longer emotionally attached to.

Edit Edit: Re-reading this a mere two weeks later it's funny to see how much I LIE to myself. I am totally and utterly in love...again. I'll write more on this in a seperate post I just thought this was funny.

Dear Jealousy

Leave me the F alone! I have work to do and you are interfering. And stop making me think about getting back together with my ex just so I can start having cute curly haired blond babies! We really would have had cute babies. BLARGH!!!! I hate you jealousy. Go away!