It Doesn't Go Away

Well it's been a few months since last I posted. My new love and I are still together. It will be 5 months soon. We have vacation plans. Plans to move in together. There has been mention of marriage and kids. This was the dream, right? Then why am I still in the throws of baby fever?

It turns out that, even when you find the man you want to have kids with, waiting for that to happen is still agonizing. The logical part of me says, "chill out, it will happen when it happens, what's the rush? wait till things are stable relationship wise and financially" The infinately less logical part of me says "gee I sure hope my birth control pills fail me because I want a baby in my arms right now damnit!"

Having a boyfriend whom I fully intend to spend the rest of my life with has not taken away the pain of being everybodies auntie and nobodies mommy. In fact, making me feel even sadder about it is the fact that my boyfriend has two children already. So when we do have children it won't be his first time. But at my age that is expected.

My best friends and their children and a new couple and their baby often get together for a game night. The first time we got together it was all about me finally after several years single, being able to not feel like the odd man out anymore. It was so nice to be part of a couple in a social environment again. But the next night together I found myself making a couple bitter statements. Maybe it was hormones, or because I was sick that night. But it came to my full awareness that night that I was indeed the odd man out as the only person there that didn't have children.

Baby fever does not go away just because you are in a relationship. My impatience to have a child has not gone away. I'm afraid. Afraid if I wait to long it won't happen. Another of my friends started calling me Auntie around her children. That makes me Auntie to almost all of my friends kids now. My boyfriend says he wants more kids, but neither of us is in a place to be having children. And, just because things have progressed quickly and we've been friends for over ten years, doesn't mean we are ready to get married yet either. So when will we? I am not getting any younger. I'm tired of waiting. I know there are so many things I want to do before I have kids, especially with my new man. But baby fever is invasive.

Of course, this week I am in the middle of serious PMS. Sore breasts, emotional outbursts, fatigue. I think I may start tracking when baby fever hits me the hardest. I bet it's associated to the two weeks prior to my period.

Aside from baby fever and severe impatience I am quite happy. There have been a lot of changes this year. Some great, some not so great. But things are finally being shaken up and it's about damn time. I was getting really scared that things weren't ever going to change again.

It looks like whether I am with my man or without my man, 2014 is still my year. It scares me that I will be at the end of my fertile years at this point and this will make things difficult, but it also means that I am at a higher risk for multiples which I do want. hehe. So who knows, maybe this is God's master plan. Maybe I am supposed to be that older mother with triplets who all my friends fawn over and wish that they still had babies around cause their four year olds and older are driving them crazy! I always try and remind myself of this quote.

"You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should."