I'm feeling very low right now. Pardon the language, but this week is a bit of a cluster fuck. First I am working 24 hours a day for 6 days. Sure I get to sleep but I'm on call the whole time. And everything that can go wrong, has. The boiler shut down. My air conditioner broke. I had no help with breakfast for a full house of people. I've had NO breaks. Even when I went down to use the bathroom I could hear people in the kitchen calling my name. Right now I'm neglecting breakfast dishes to write this because I needed a moment so I didn't flip out. I've already been crying. I have a packet(book annotations and essay) due on Wed. that I've had no time to prepare and I don't get out of work till Monday afternoon. I keep feeling like I'm going to pass out with stress. ANd then there's the emotional stuff. Still jealous of my friend. I keep thinking about what they are doing right now. Changing daipers, nursing, staring at their creation with love in their eyes. ANd then I'm getting weird about my ex. He's been the one texting me all the time and now for some reason the tables have flipped and I find myself getting upset that he's not texting me back. Not that I want him back, I guess I just liked the idea that someone was still persuing me. I feel totally unwanted. And stuck to this stressful job. Possibly failing out of college this semester. I look at my life and wonder how it got that way. Today, I can't think of anything in my life that I actually asked for. This is the lowest I've been in a long time. This year has been emotional hell. The pressure of turning 30. Of course it's pressure I'm putting on myself. All I really want to do is enjoy my summer. Go camping(not that I have anyone to go camping with). Simming. Sit on my deck and read. Eat sandwiches and watermelon. Take a walk. Fall in love.
This week I also had an Angel Reading. The messages I received from my angels was expected, but also made me angry. No matter how hard I'm trying right now to make money,get a degree...blah blah blah. It's not the work they want me to be doing. I need to be meditating on what it is I really want. I need to clean my chakras because I'm living all in my head. And I'm giving mixed messages on what I want. So really I need to be doing less physical work and more spiritual work. Of course this is really irritating because I'm working SO hard. But the problem is I'm paddling up-stream. Oh yeah and one other thing, my angels think a man and a family are too big for me to handle right now. Thanks a lot fellas. I appreciate that.
Well either way, I can't do any spiritual work till after this work week and school work are finished. As for right now...I just want to use the bathroom in peace.
I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed right now - I can really sympathize with you on that one, too.
ReplyDeleteBut I can give you at least one piece of good news. I was stressed out about turning 30, too. But it turns out, except for a couple of years of work hell, this has been my best decade yet. I've loved being in my thirties - give it some time, and I bet you will, too.
Just think one day you'll be saying it again---All I want is to go to the bathroom in peace. But it will be because you've got little ones following you around everywhere or needing you.
ReplyDeleteMaybe this is all practice for you. When you are on call 24x7, things are breaking down, and people are needing you. I know this is a bad analogy because it seems so small compared to what will happen, but it's what I think of. When I was younger at home and we had chores that had to be done and had to be done on a certain day, or before a certain time. I HATED them because it wasn't what I wanted to do at that particular time. But then when I moved out I found out that I LOVE having a clean house, thanks mom, but what I love even more is doing things when I feel like doing them and what I want to do that day.
I know the same will be true one day (for both of us) we will be in charge of someone's life, trying to make sure nothing goes wrong, that they get everything they need. And we'll even have some of the same complaints, but we'll voice them differently. Because instead of it being a job that we have to do to earn money, we'll be living the lifestyle that we want so badly (and making nothing ;) )
I hope this makes some sense, and helps a little!
Thank you so much...I never would have thought of it that way. Everything happens for a reason, so maybe this IS practice! Way to show me the silver lining =D
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